St. Jude.

because.  <3  prayers and intentions are powerful.  

<3 

St. Jude's Novena

"May the Sacred Heart of Jesus
be Adored, Glorified, Loved & Preserved
through-out the world, now & forever.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Worker of miracles, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Helper of the Hopeless, pray for us." 
Say the prayer 8 times a day for 9 days.
It has never been known to fail.
Publication must be promised.

eyes...the windows.

Looking at a person's eyes....and their face....the tension in their smile....maybe the hint of mist in their gaze.

What I have noticed of myself....as I have transformed over the years is that...stress and lack of love and connection....and general lack of self love and inner peace....can be seen all over my face.  I know that some will read this particular blog and maybe make the connection- not being aware of all I have been through...and some who know my story will see the impact of this story in my eyes...

it is hard to see it now...years later...but it is a curious thing....what a relationship will do to you.  Shouldn't love be kind and supportive?  If it isn't....then it isn't love.  But too many times, we don't realize it isn't love....for too long.

a few years ago....I started to do more introspection and a seed started to grow in me... and that seed grew into....love....but in the beginning....even though I was starting to feel differently....my daily life can be seen...all over my face.

The reason I even went back...out of curiosity....is because I saw some powerful before and after pictures of people who had been in toxic relationships.  It is remarkable to see them...and I was curious about my own face and what it would tell.

2013....barely documented....but pictures of me...look empty....

2014,
Fear...sad.

Like a frightened....cornered animal.  It's hard to even look.  It's like the most....distrust...suspicious look.

2015....growing in my own security...and able to trust and love again, painting more and being a happier and fulfilled person...

Still...a bit loneliness....and unsure....

and then there was 2016....when I was feeling more and more like myself, more relaxed...the fear has gone...the tension is leaving... some big things happening in my life.

and then...2017...embodying love 

...and determination....and power.  

and then there is 2018.

Clear.....filled with love....and adventure.  Relaxed. Happy.

Here I am..... I came back.  

Peace...and Love.....and realizing....

You've been gone....way too long.  This is a motherfucker free zone. 

love is everything.

so many people. So many lives.  so many relationships. so hard to watch when relationships dissolve and the people just keep hanging on to it...because they don't know where to go.  It's like....

there is a video clip I saw of a toddler screaming and crying- in a panic, clutching on to a parent because he's in the water...thinking it's deep and he can't swim.

and they tell him....he can stand...

and he does.

You can stand.  You just don't even realize it.  You're too busy in a panic and crying about doomsday.

I think that's why people have a hard time with optimism.  Well.  for many reasons...Optimism is...it seems like it's out of control.  If you think about the worst thing...you get to use your energy on thinking and over thinking about what will happen, could happen.  that gives your brain a big thing to do.  What if you switched gears to optimism...after a life of worst case scenario thinking?  what the fuck does that do to you?  It's like- believing in unicorns!   It must be....it must be like....thinking elves are real (they are, they steal my keys all the time).
But seriously...

Switch gears...and what does your mind do with optimism?  It has to believe....believe in What???  something that you can't even see yet???!!!  that's just crazy. why would someone do that?

Because....how can you believe or entertain worst case scenarios that aren't even real?  chances are they won't even happen?  Aren't you doing the exact same thing?  Only- the thing is- ....fear motivates the pessimist.

ahhhhh!  But to believe in something...you want to happen...that you would love to happen....the thing that would make you happy....
how is that crazy?   Chances are....if you believe it to happen....it has a much better chance at happening.

Chances are....that....if you think you can't.... you just didn't.  It all boils down to love.

If you love....and see the promise in it...and the opportunities in it....you are helping make that happen.

if you fear...and worry....you just made that more and more concrete....you created all your constricting story lines.  Go home...you miserable miserable sad person. Ha! I'm kidding...but seriously....don't do that!  Don't Fear....do not worry.

What does that have to do with relationships and love?

Everything.  Some relationships are just doomed because both people over time...kill them.  Then they hold on to them for the same reasons they killed them....fear.

Love is expansion....love is potential...love is optimism.  Love is believing...

But it is hard....it is hard to start believing in good things.  You have to retrain your brain that you....can actually stand up...and that you aren't going to drown.  Once you get a few under your belt...it gets easier.

Once you see what a powerful....beautiful....optimistic creator....you are.....you actually can.

Sometimes I forget, after seeing so many unicorns walking around...that other people can't see them...or believe in them....

life is magical....make it so.

love is everything.

lead with love.

I lead with love.

sometimes you need someone to tell you stuff about yourself...because....you really can't see the forest for the trees....

it's hard to see yourself for your own qualities.

Sometimes...I can see it.  it almost scares me...it's so bright...but sometimes I can see my own light.

recently...someone once told me....i was one of their favorite people....and I hadn't even met them yet...I hadn't even had much interaction with them...they knew me through other people and only what they saw on FB.

But that is the impression you can make on someone.

Someone also told me-- that he needed to spend more time in his 3d world...and less in the 2d...meaning social media....being that social media is the only place he could actually find me and interact....pshhhhhh.  that is a damn shame.  I hate when people put rules on themselves. rules that don't actually mean a damn thing.  And then?  You miss out on people who can teach and show you shit... but that's the thing....if my friendship did not matter that much- to meet me where I am...then...
he just filtered himself out of my day.  Which is good.  Do not chase love or friendships.

reflect.

learn.

Like I have a friend...Cynthia...i can't even capture her fully in any words...so I won't try just now- she deserves her own full post.....but.....if I did not engage with her...I would not be who I am currently...right now. We send each other voice messages during the day....and then I feel like we are in the 3d world together.

(Hi.  Cynthia...you may be reading this sometime...so thank you. Thanks for leaving an indelible mark on me)

as a reminder to myself...to lead with love...

I listen to:

Love, thy will be done..  (Martika)
Something just like this  (Coldplay)
Sowing the Seeds of Love (Tears for Fears)


just a few songs that recharge me.

love...and light...and peace.

the empath and the narcissist

gather 'round kids.

That's how one of my friends likes to start his posts.... Like some old Grumpy Gramps that has a lesson to teach.

Gather 'round kids....I'm going to tell you the not as well known Aesop's fable...about the Empath and the Narcissist.

this is totally played out on so many trendy mindfulness blogs...but I wanted to put my spin on it.

The empath was full of love....walking around....being full of love....she passed by a narc and he made her laugh....and she blanketed him with love and expected to get the same back....

but she didn't...and over the years...the narc began to let his mask slide here and there and she started to figure out what she was dealing with...

and being an Empath...she started to feel all his hurt...anger, rage, and his insecurities....

she realized that all the love she felt before- was just her own love blanket...trying to carry the relationship....

she realized there was no real depth to the relationship.

she saw the narc for who he was.

He went on to do the same things to other women.....and the Empath, being the Empath...understood the pain experienced by others...

One day, the Narc's new love supply- who was just hurt by him....came to visit the Empath...

and it was then that the Empath knew...... Narc's can't change...they will be lonely....in their nightmare.

The narc was even violent with the other person.... and it was from this realization.....the Empath knew...that this pattern would happen with other people....he has a disease he can't see.

The Empath....would continue to be love...to find love...to live in love.  The Narc would continue....
to not be love...to not live with love.... and he would be lonely and he would lash out at others...in his loneliness.


Then End.


God Bless it.


Here's to love's path....may it always feel like soft squishy warm sand on your feet.

do not chase love

do not chase love.




if you are chasing love.....then you actually aren't chasing love at all.

love
doesn't

run.


fear runs.

so if you are chasing "love".....you're just chasing fear..... either your fear...or that person's fear...

but stop.

stop chasing fear.

because.....

that's just dumb.

you think love puts on some adidas and takes off on your ass?  It doesn't.

fear does....and fear is like.....an olympian runner.  Unless you're a gold medal runner as well...and you've got nothing better to do than to go chasing it....and you have no self love to speak off...

don't chase.


peace...and love...

love thrives when love is the priority

why are so many people sitting and coping in a loveless relationship?  in a toxic marriage?  In an abusive situation?

when love is a priority it thrives....what is love?  What isn't love?  Love isn't fear.

What about the friendship test?  If a friend put you through the same bullshit that your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend  is doing....would you tolerate it? or walk away?

what about blowing you off and ignoring your texts?   fuck that?  right?  if a friend did that shit, you would just blow them off and move on...fuck it if they think i'm such a pain they can't even answer my text...

what about when the friend finally answers you back and they say, well?  they were "allowed" to go out with friends so why are you mad about being late 2 hours?  and now it is all your fault that you are blowing it out of proportion.

huh?  maybe? fuck that?   right?

with a friend, you just would stop trusting that they say....their word would begin to mean nothing and you just wouldn't hang out with them anymore.

and so.....then....so many times people sit in a relationship that is supposed to be the most loving, the most trusting, the most supportive...

only...they sit in misery.....not getting any of those things because the other person doesn't know how to love, trust, respect.....because they don't have love, trust, or respect for themselves... the fuck do you think they will be able to love, trust, respect you?

exactly.

friend test it.   What if that husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend was so insecure they needed you to help them stand?  a lot of pressure?  what if they counted on you for their happiness?  suffocating you?  yes?

What if they patrolled your every move because they lived in fear that you would leave them...what if that was a friend of yours?

fuck that?  right?   Jesus.  Nobody wants a friend like that.....

Love CANNOT survive in a fear based environment.  It just can't.

What if you sit in fear because you are afraid to hurt someone because you are so miserable in the relationship.

first of all, if you can't talk to the person you are supposed to love the most, cherish, respect...trust....etc.  then that game has been over a long time ago.  right?

I mean....seriously.  When we meet people, our dynamic gets set...from the beginning.  In relationships....romantic ones...that shit is set and so what is in the beginning will continue throughout...if you fell in love with someone but shit was off and you ignored it....i guarantee shit will be off - as undercurrents- throughout your relationship.

if you start a relationship with a lie about who you are....or they start off with a lie about who they are... that lie is a crack that will grow and grow throughout the whole relationship.

If there is love, trust, respect, communication in the beginning.....that is what you will find in your relationship.

If love....real love....has a place to grow with all the elements it needs...it will make both of you better....grow together....communicate together, trusting, loving....all of it...

But if you continually have to McGyver your relationship.....fuck that.


peace and love.....


and realizing that....love exists....but only when love exists.

Be with someone who helps your dreams burn.