the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my vision question....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.