as within...so without.

there are some people you will meet....date....marry....who do not know how to love.

you will assume they love like you do....they do not.  This can be a shock when you discover this...that not only do they not share your deep love....but they are only capable of surface love....which is filled with fear...fear of love...fear of knowing themselves....a whole mess of fear.

they will not be able to go any deeper with you.  you will assume that people can all love at the same depths...

this is not true.  I have only just discovered this.

you will build something with them.....and slowly...they will brick by brick dismantle the place of love you tried to create... you will look at your progress and see chunks of the foundation missing...and they will tell you....nothing is missing there....and if it feels like it is....you must have been the one to do it.


they will lay down track...a track of disillusionment that carries you so far away from yourself...yet announce at every stop that you are at some kind of Love station.... the words will be there...yet at every stop...you feel a growing emptiness.

all of this will make your head spin.....until it all stops....and you get off the train.

some people can't love...but they will make you think you are being loved....you are not.

and then....

you will meet someone who loves you....someone who loves you with no agenda...they love you just because they love you....

you will thrive and grow.

you will discover yourself...and find out that you are so full of love....that you have so much love to give others....


you will also find out that the person who took you far away from love.....does that to others as well.

it wasn't just you....you weren't crazy.

and then you heal.

and you love....


and people see you shine and notice.

and for the first time...in a very long time...


you feel the deepest love...because it is inside you and nobody can take it away.

as within, so without...as above, so below.


peace

and love...

some things shouldn't be watered...

hey.

there are people out there who will want to encourage you...you will feel it.  It feels good.

and then there are people who hurt inside...who are insecure...they don't want to encourage others....

you will feel this...

it feels bad.

Don't water relationships that feel bad.  They will continue to feel bad....and they will not get better.


This is simple.  When people show you who they are...listen.  If they tell you words that contradict who they show you...

listen to how they make you feel when they aren't using their words.

Save your water for loving relationships.

Conserve water....if you have limited water...do you want to waste it on something that is dying or dead?

Some people won't ever realize the way they treat you is horrible.  They will not listen to your feelings and they will probably have a very limited capacity for love.

move on.

And if you are about to ask..."why?  why do they do that?"

That is not for you to find out....your next question should be.....Where is my love?

and then....

you should look inside yourself.

Because that's where your love is.


peace

and love....


and setting your sails inward.

a new apple...

i have started so many apples....eaten a bite...discarded it....for a new apple.  Why?



I start a blog.  I stop it.  I start a new one.  I stop it.

Where am I going with this?  Maybe it is ok to stop something before it even starts...it is ok.  Why do we have such rigid rules for ourselves?  Some people have rules that...if they watch a movie, they must watch it all the way through- or they don't want to watch it.   Why?   Why can't we just enjoy the moment and if it means we only watch 20 minutes of the movie....it means....we move on to something else.

 I recently read someone's post somewhere....and in this commentary of recent trending styles of clothes, this person identified a multitude of rules they had for themselves.  What they will wear and what they will not wear and why....but all the while identifying strict rules for why.  I do not understand this.

Constrictive.  Why do we lay arbitrary rules on ourselves about how we must live life?  To me it seems like this is just a way to implement a level of daily fear and to stay within these self prescribed rules means that you have created a safe bubble for you to live.

Lift these rules and feel more freedom in living.  What rules do you put on yourself in order to create a forced comfort zone for yourself?

Lean into something uncomfortable.  That is where you will live and learn and experience.

Putting rules on yourself is a way to keep yourself sufficiently....beige.  It is safe, but it is a jail cell.

live.

free.

peace and love.....and freedom.

only with love...you will get there...

the purpose?  the purpose of it all?

is love.  Does that sound completely cheesy?  of course it does if you don't understand the power of love.....

the purpose is love.  it always has been.

to grow in love.

and nothing else matters.  Look at what is truly rewarding?  If you are living in fear...you aren't living to your full potential of who you are...you are constricted in fear.

what is the point?

the point is love.

you will never get anywhere without it.

You could be super healthy, in the greatest shape of your life....and an empty shell of a person without love.

You could have millions....you could have every material thing you could desire....and you could be a rich empty shell of a person.

you can grow love.  you can grow it yourself...but sometimes, you need a spark.  Like the birth of two  cells becoming one....

that chemical spark.  that ignites a fire and love.  Once the fire is lit...love grows....sustains itself.

you can have a day full of love....for just by loves sake.  I went almost 8 hours...maybe more....filled with so much love I could hardly contain it.

that is the purpose.  to be filled with so much fucking love...it oozes out and touches others....

wandering

in all weathers

one thing I know that is certain

only with you I will get there

the answer to my little prayer

everything's better

better late than never

till forever

every breath

every step

every day

at times we were cruel

often naive

too proud

nothing to shout about

the past is best forgotten

we are still wandering

together wandering

side by side wandering

as one

one thing I know that is certain

only with you I will get there

no ocean to wide

and no desert too dry

baby, only with you I'll get there

one thing I know that is certain

only with you I will get there

we'll break through the clouds

we'll survive every drought

baby, only with you I'll get there

no mountain too high 

coz together we fly 

baby, only with you I'll get there

only with love....you'll get there.

what do you think is the purpose of life?   To win something?  to make more money?  To gain acceptance from a bunch of people?  what is acceptance?  is it respect? is it conditional?  Do you think I'm full of it?  ok....start researching what really mattered to people in their final days...and what they regret the most....

ask them what they will be taking with them when they breathe their final breath?


the only thing that matters.....is love.

when you lay your head on a pillow at night....did you love so hard your heart was fulfilled and

you spread your love around to make the world a better place?

did you give yourself or did you wall yourself up?

why keep looking for love....when it is totally within you?




peace....and love.....

and love.

divine

When I started this journey....a journey of awakening.  I was so naive to what was happening.  I was simply going with the flow in the beginning...the chaos...the fear...the love...so much wrapped up in every single day.

I felt dictated by the boundaries of the mundane world.  I felt each foot step hard on soil climbing upward.  I felt hot and sweaty.  I felt tired and thirsty.  Each step reaching a new part of the journey and a new view to take in...a new lesson to learn.  I'm still learning, but the biggest difference is that I realize that I do not take in these sights any longer from the mountain.  The last blog, I think I expressed that I had reached the top.  I looked around and thought...what next?  When I had rested enough.

I took off....flying from it all.  With a higher view and the freedom of winged transport.  I hadn't thought that was possible.  Maybe I had to walk that far to see the view and make the next decision to become freer.  To push limits.

I realize that I am not bound to the things I accepted as limiting.  I've experienced things in this last year that would have completely thrown me a few years ago.  Now I'm able to process them.

and some crazy shit has happened.  I understand that I process this world with...ummmm....better processors....Sharper...more perceptive.

It is as if....I can suddenly hear dog whistles.  Analogy.  yes.  Vague...yes.  but....I'm sure someone out there knows what I am talking about...

the world....is a big, limitless place....developing better tools to experience it is not only....the most fucking brilliant thing ever.....scary yes, but exhilarating.....

it makes everything....a miracle and a mystery....

Currently....my son is playing Zelda....a lot.   it's like that....you journey...you find more tools to use...you get a paraglider.....

and you fly that shit around.....

Crazy?  no....but so many people just can't fathom the kind of tools that are available if you open your mind.


I'm on a whole different journey now...

peace and love and

flying


the view is amazing, by the way.

the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my VISION QUEST....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.   

the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my vision question....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.