St. Jude.

because.  <3  prayers and intentions are powerful.  

<3 

St. Jude's Novena

"May the Sacred Heart of Jesus
be Adored, Glorified, Loved & Preserved
through-out the world, now & forever.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Worker of miracles, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Helper of the Hopeless, pray for us." 
Say the prayer 8 times a day for 9 days.
It has never been known to fail.
Publication must be promised.

eyes...the windows.

Looking at a person's eyes....and their face....the tension in their smile....maybe the hint of mist in their gaze.

What I have noticed of myself....as I have transformed over the years is that...stress and lack of love and connection....and general lack of self love and inner peace....can be seen all over my face.  I know that some will read this particular blog and maybe make the connection- not being aware of all I have been through...and some who know my story will see the impact of this story in my eyes...

it is hard to see it now...years later...but it is a curious thing....what a relationship will do to you.  Shouldn't love be kind and supportive?  If it isn't....then it isn't love.  But too many times, we don't realize it isn't love....for too long.

a few years ago....I started to do more introspection and a seed started to grow in me... and that seed grew into....love....but in the beginning....even though I was starting to feel differently....my daily life can be seen...all over my face.

The reason I even went back...out of curiosity....is because I saw some powerful before and after pictures of people who had been in toxic relationships.  It is remarkable to see them...and I was curious about my own face and what it would tell.

2013....barely documented....but pictures of me...look empty....

2014,
Fear...sad.

Like a frightened....cornered animal.  It's hard to even look.  It's like the most....distrust...suspicious look.

2015....growing in my own security...and able to trust and love again, painting more and being a happier and fulfilled person...

Still...a bit loneliness....and unsure....

and then there was 2016....when I was feeling more and more like myself, more relaxed...the fear has gone...the tension is leaving... some big things happening in my life.

and then...2017...embodying love 

...and determination....and power.  

and then there is 2018.

Clear.....filled with love....and adventure.  Relaxed. Happy.

Here I am..... I came back.  

Peace...and Love.....and realizing....

You've been gone....way too long.  This is a motherfucker free zone. 

love is everything.

so many people. So many lives.  so many relationships. so hard to watch when relationships dissolve and the people just keep hanging on to it...because they don't know where to go.  It's like....

there is a video clip I saw of a toddler screaming and crying- in a panic, clutching on to a parent because he's in the water...thinking it's deep and he can't swim.

and they tell him....he can stand...

and he does.

You can stand.  You just don't even realize it.  You're too busy in a panic and crying about doomsday.

I think that's why people have a hard time with optimism.  Well.  for many reasons...Optimism is...it seems like it's out of control.  If you think about the worst thing...you get to use your energy on thinking and over thinking about what will happen, could happen.  that gives your brain a big thing to do.  What if you switched gears to optimism...after a life of worst case scenario thinking?  what the fuck does that do to you?  It's like- believing in unicorns!   It must be....it must be like....thinking elves are real (they are, they steal my keys all the time).
But seriously...

Switch gears...and what does your mind do with optimism?  It has to believe....believe in What???  something that you can't even see yet???!!!  that's just crazy. why would someone do that?

Because....how can you believe or entertain worst case scenarios that aren't even real?  chances are they won't even happen?  Aren't you doing the exact same thing?  Only- the thing is- ....fear motivates the pessimist.

ahhhhh!  But to believe in something...you want to happen...that you would love to happen....the thing that would make you happy....
how is that crazy?   Chances are....if you believe it to happen....it has a much better chance at happening.

Chances are....that....if you think you can't.... you just didn't.  It all boils down to love.

If you love....and see the promise in it...and the opportunities in it....you are helping make that happen.

if you fear...and worry....you just made that more and more concrete....you created all your constricting story lines.  Go home...you miserable miserable sad person. Ha! I'm kidding...but seriously....don't do that!  Don't Fear....do not worry.

What does that have to do with relationships and love?

Everything.  Some relationships are just doomed because both people over time...kill them.  Then they hold on to them for the same reasons they killed them....fear.

Love is expansion....love is potential...love is optimism.  Love is believing...

But it is hard....it is hard to start believing in good things.  You have to retrain your brain that you....can actually stand up...and that you aren't going to drown.  Once you get a few under your belt...it gets easier.

Once you see what a powerful....beautiful....optimistic creator....you are.....you actually can.

Sometimes I forget, after seeing so many unicorns walking around...that other people can't see them...or believe in them....

life is magical....make it so.

love is everything.

lead with love.

I lead with love.

sometimes you need someone to tell you stuff about yourself...because....you really can't see the forest for the trees....

it's hard to see yourself for your own qualities.

Sometimes...I can see it.  it almost scares me...it's so bright...but sometimes I can see my own light.

recently...someone once told me....i was one of their favorite people....and I hadn't even met them yet...I hadn't even had much interaction with them...they knew me through other people and only what they saw on FB.

But that is the impression you can make on someone.

Someone also told me-- that he needed to spend more time in his 3d world...and less in the 2d...meaning social media....being that social media is the only place he could actually find me and interact....pshhhhhh.  that is a damn shame.  I hate when people put rules on themselves. rules that don't actually mean a damn thing.  And then?  You miss out on people who can teach and show you shit... but that's the thing....if my friendship did not matter that much- to meet me where I am...then...
he just filtered himself out of my day.  Which is good.  Do not chase love or friendships.

reflect.

learn.

Like I have a friend...Cynthia...i can't even capture her fully in any words...so I won't try just now- she deserves her own full post.....but.....if I did not engage with her...I would not be who I am currently...right now. We send each other voice messages during the day....and then I feel like we are in the 3d world together.

(Hi.  Cynthia...you may be reading this sometime...so thank you. Thanks for leaving an indelible mark on me)

as a reminder to myself...to lead with love...

I listen to:

Love, thy will be done..  (Martika)
Something just like this  (Coldplay)
Sowing the Seeds of Love (Tears for Fears)


just a few songs that recharge me.

love...and light...and peace.

the empath and the narcissist

gather 'round kids.

That's how one of my friends likes to start his posts.... Like some old Grumpy Gramps that has a lesson to teach.

Gather 'round kids....I'm going to tell you the not as well known Aesop's fable...about the Empath and the Narcissist.

this is totally played out on so many trendy mindfulness blogs...but I wanted to put my spin on it.

The empath was full of love....walking around....being full of love....she passed by a narc and he made her laugh....and she blanketed him with love and expected to get the same back....

but she didn't...and over the years...the narc began to let his mask slide here and there and she started to figure out what she was dealing with...

and being an Empath...she started to feel all his hurt...anger, rage, and his insecurities....

she realized that all the love she felt before- was just her own love blanket...trying to carry the relationship....

she realized there was no real depth to the relationship.

she saw the narc for who he was.

He went on to do the same things to other women.....and the Empath, being the Empath...understood the pain experienced by others...

One day, the Narc's new love supply- who was just hurt by him....came to visit the Empath...

and it was then that the Empath knew...... Narc's can't change...they will be lonely....in their nightmare.

The narc was even violent with the other person.... and it was from this realization.....the Empath knew...that this pattern would happen with other people....he has a disease he can't see.

The Empath....would continue to be love...to find love...to live in love.  The Narc would continue....
to not be love...to not live with love.... and he would be lonely and he would lash out at others...in his loneliness.


Then End.


God Bless it.


Here's to love's path....may it always feel like soft squishy warm sand on your feet.

do not chase love

do not chase love.




if you are chasing love.....then you actually aren't chasing love at all.

love
doesn't

run.


fear runs.

so if you are chasing "love".....you're just chasing fear..... either your fear...or that person's fear...

but stop.

stop chasing fear.

because.....

that's just dumb.

you think love puts on some adidas and takes off on your ass?  It doesn't.

fear does....and fear is like.....an olympian runner.  Unless you're a gold medal runner as well...and you've got nothing better to do than to go chasing it....and you have no self love to speak off...

don't chase.


peace...and love...

love thrives when love is the priority

why are so many people sitting and coping in a loveless relationship?  in a toxic marriage?  In an abusive situation?

when love is a priority it thrives....what is love?  What isn't love?  Love isn't fear.

What about the friendship test?  If a friend put you through the same bullshit that your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend  is doing....would you tolerate it? or walk away?

what about blowing you off and ignoring your texts?   fuck that?  right?  if a friend did that shit, you would just blow them off and move on...fuck it if they think i'm such a pain they can't even answer my text...

what about when the friend finally answers you back and they say, well?  they were "allowed" to go out with friends so why are you mad about being late 2 hours?  and now it is all your fault that you are blowing it out of proportion.

huh?  maybe? fuck that?   right?

with a friend, you just would stop trusting that they say....their word would begin to mean nothing and you just wouldn't hang out with them anymore.

and so.....then....so many times people sit in a relationship that is supposed to be the most loving, the most trusting, the most supportive...

only...they sit in misery.....not getting any of those things because the other person doesn't know how to love, trust, respect.....because they don't have love, trust, or respect for themselves... the fuck do you think they will be able to love, trust, respect you?

exactly.

friend test it.   What if that husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend was so insecure they needed you to help them stand?  a lot of pressure?  what if they counted on you for their happiness?  suffocating you?  yes?

What if they patrolled your every move because they lived in fear that you would leave them...what if that was a friend of yours?

fuck that?  right?   Jesus.  Nobody wants a friend like that.....

Love CANNOT survive in a fear based environment.  It just can't.

What if you sit in fear because you are afraid to hurt someone because you are so miserable in the relationship.

first of all, if you can't talk to the person you are supposed to love the most, cherish, respect...trust....etc.  then that game has been over a long time ago.  right?

I mean....seriously.  When we meet people, our dynamic gets set...from the beginning.  In relationships....romantic ones...that shit is set and so what is in the beginning will continue throughout...if you fell in love with someone but shit was off and you ignored it....i guarantee shit will be off - as undercurrents- throughout your relationship.

if you start a relationship with a lie about who you are....or they start off with a lie about who they are... that lie is a crack that will grow and grow throughout the whole relationship.

If there is love, trust, respect, communication in the beginning.....that is what you will find in your relationship.

If love....real love....has a place to grow with all the elements it needs...it will make both of you better....grow together....communicate together, trusting, loving....all of it...

But if you continually have to McGyver your relationship.....fuck that.


peace and love.....


and realizing that....love exists....but only when love exists.

Be with someone who helps your dreams burn.

as within...so without.

there are some people you will meet....date....marry....who do not know how to love.

you will assume they love like you do....they do not.  This can be a shock when you discover this...that not only do they not share your deep love....but they are only capable of surface love....which is filled with fear...fear of love...fear of knowing themselves....a whole mess of fear.

they will not be able to go any deeper with you.  you will assume that people can all love at the same depths...

this is not true.  I have only just discovered this.

you will build something with them.....and slowly...they will brick by brick dismantle the place of love you tried to create... you will look at your progress and see chunks of the foundation missing...and they will tell you....nothing is missing there....and if it feels like it is....you must have been the one to do it.


they will lay down track...a track of disillusionment that carries you so far away from yourself...yet announce at every stop that you are at some kind of Love station.... the words will be there...yet at every stop...you feel a growing emptiness.

all of this will make your head spin.....until it all stops....and you get off the train.

some people can't love...but they will make you think you are being loved....you are not.

and then....

you will meet someone who loves you....someone who loves you with no agenda...they love you just because they love you....

you will thrive and grow.

you will discover yourself...and find out that you are so full of love....that you have so much love to give others....


you will also find out that the person who took you far away from love.....does that to others as well.

it wasn't just you....you weren't crazy.

and then you heal.

and you love....


and people see you shine and notice.

and for the first time...in a very long time...


you feel the deepest love...because it is inside you and nobody can take it away.

as within, so without...as above, so below.


peace

and love...

some things shouldn't be watered...

hey.

there are people out there who will want to encourage you...you will feel it.  It feels good.

and then there are people who hurt inside...who are insecure...they don't want to encourage others....

you will feel this...

it feels bad.

Don't water relationships that feel bad.  They will continue to feel bad....and they will not get better.


This is simple.  When people show you who they are...listen.  If they tell you words that contradict who they show you...

listen to how they make you feel when they aren't using their words.

Save your water for loving relationships.

Conserve water....if you have limited water...do you want to waste it on something that is dying or dead?

Some people won't ever realize the way they treat you is horrible.  They will not listen to your feelings and they will probably have a very limited capacity for love.

move on.

And if you are about to ask..."why?  why do they do that?"

That is not for you to find out....your next question should be.....Where is my love?

and then....

you should look inside yourself.

Because that's where your love is.


peace

and love....


and setting your sails inward.

a new apple...

i have started so many apples....eaten a bite...discarded it....for a new apple.  Why?



I start a blog.  I stop it.  I start a new one.  I stop it.

Where am I going with this?  Maybe it is ok to stop something before it even starts...it is ok.  Why do we have such rigid rules for ourselves?  Some people have rules that...if they watch a movie, they must watch it all the way through- or they don't want to watch it.   Why?   Why can't we just enjoy the moment and if it means we only watch 20 minutes of the movie....it means....we move on to something else.

 I recently read someone's post somewhere....and in this commentary of recent trending styles of clothes, this person identified a multitude of rules they had for themselves.  What they will wear and what they will not wear and why....but all the while identifying strict rules for why.  I do not understand this.

Constrictive.  Why do we lay arbitrary rules on ourselves about how we must live life?  To me it seems like this is just a way to implement a level of daily fear and to stay within these self prescribed rules means that you have created a safe bubble for you to live.

Lift these rules and feel more freedom in living.  What rules do you put on yourself in order to create a forced comfort zone for yourself?

Lean into something uncomfortable.  That is where you will live and learn and experience.

Putting rules on yourself is a way to keep yourself sufficiently....beige.  It is safe, but it is a jail cell.

live.

free.

peace and love.....and freedom.

only with love...you will get there...

the purpose?  the purpose of it all?

is love.  Does that sound completely cheesy?  of course it does if you don't understand the power of love.....

the purpose is love.  it always has been.

to grow in love.

and nothing else matters.  Look at what is truly rewarding?  If you are living in fear...you aren't living to your full potential of who you are...you are constricted in fear.

what is the point?

the point is love.

you will never get anywhere without it.

You could be super healthy, in the greatest shape of your life....and an empty shell of a person without love.

You could have millions....you could have every material thing you could desire....and you could be a rich empty shell of a person.

you can grow love.  you can grow it yourself...but sometimes, you need a spark.  Like the birth of two  cells becoming one....

that chemical spark.  that ignites a fire and love.  Once the fire is lit...love grows....sustains itself.

you can have a day full of love....for just by loves sake.  I went almost 8 hours...maybe more....filled with so much love I could hardly contain it.

that is the purpose.  to be filled with so much fucking love...it oozes out and touches others....

wandering

in all weathers

one thing I know that is certain

only with you I will get there

the answer to my little prayer

everything's better

better late than never

till forever

every breath

every step

every day

at times we were cruel

often naive

too proud

nothing to shout about

the past is best forgotten

we are still wandering

together wandering

side by side wandering

as one

one thing I know that is certain

only with you I will get there

no ocean to wide

and no desert too dry

baby, only with you I'll get there

one thing I know that is certain

only with you I will get there

we'll break through the clouds

we'll survive every drought

baby, only with you I'll get there

no mountain too high 

coz together we fly 

baby, only with you I'll get there

only with love....you'll get there.

what do you think is the purpose of life?   To win something?  to make more money?  To gain acceptance from a bunch of people?  what is acceptance?  is it respect? is it conditional?  Do you think I'm full of it?  ok....start researching what really mattered to people in their final days...and what they regret the most....

ask them what they will be taking with them when they breathe their final breath?


the only thing that matters.....is love.

when you lay your head on a pillow at night....did you love so hard your heart was fulfilled and

you spread your love around to make the world a better place?

did you give yourself or did you wall yourself up?

why keep looking for love....when it is totally within you?




peace....and love.....

and love.

divine

When I started this journey....a journey of awakening.  I was so naive to what was happening.  I was simply going with the flow in the beginning...the chaos...the fear...the love...so much wrapped up in every single day.

I felt dictated by the boundaries of the mundane world.  I felt each foot step hard on soil climbing upward.  I felt hot and sweaty.  I felt tired and thirsty.  Each step reaching a new part of the journey and a new view to take in...a new lesson to learn.  I'm still learning, but the biggest difference is that I realize that I do not take in these sights any longer from the mountain.  The last blog, I think I expressed that I had reached the top.  I looked around and thought...what next?  When I had rested enough.

I took off....flying from it all.  With a higher view and the freedom of winged transport.  I hadn't thought that was possible.  Maybe I had to walk that far to see the view and make the next decision to become freer.  To push limits.

I realize that I am not bound to the things I accepted as limiting.  I've experienced things in this last year that would have completely thrown me a few years ago.  Now I'm able to process them.

and some crazy shit has happened.  I understand that I process this world with...ummmm....better processors....Sharper...more perceptive.

It is as if....I can suddenly hear dog whistles.  Analogy.  yes.  Vague...yes.  but....I'm sure someone out there knows what I am talking about...

the world....is a big, limitless place....developing better tools to experience it is not only....the most fucking brilliant thing ever.....scary yes, but exhilarating.....

it makes everything....a miracle and a mystery....

Currently....my son is playing Zelda....a lot.   it's like that....you journey...you find more tools to use...you get a paraglider.....

and you fly that shit around.....

Crazy?  no....but so many people just can't fathom the kind of tools that are available if you open your mind.


I'm on a whole different journey now...

peace and love and

flying


the view is amazing, by the way.

the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my VISION QUEST....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.   

the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my vision question....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.   

where the air is thinner and cleaner....

the purpose of this whole blog has been to document a type of journey...a vision quest...hence the name...

and I have reached the top.....the top of this mountain anyway.  It has been a journey of self discovery....seeking the truth about so many things and

over time, I felt I reached "basecamps" where I would regroup, recharge....learn....revisit mistakes....errors in judgement....foot placement as I climb...but...


this....part...I can honestly say feels like....I have made it....I have reconciled so much...I've learned so much...I feel like when I read all the fun self help bits of advice....I've got it...and I have let so much go that I feel as if I'm just the pure embodiment of love and hope and peace...

and now what?  


I think it is time to enjoy the view for a while.....everything makes so much more sense now....

and the way I have evolved over these two years or so has been......

a miracle in itself.

we are all growing constantly... sometimes when you pay attention you can feel yourself grow...

sometimes growth happens so gradually that when you measure where you've come after 2 years....

you can see the progress you've made.

today I sort of had a break through...as if....you know when you are exhausted from a hike or journey and
the last PUSH through...

and you end up at that spot....where you can survey 360 degrees....and

reap the rewards of it all.

do I sound arrogant?  meh.  if that is what your perception is of this...then there might be so much more that is triggering this feeling....and that isn't me...that is something in you that is reflecting....and it's time to take a deep look inside yourself.  I'm ok....and if reading this blog makes you feel something negative....then

you might not be ok.  and if that's the case....then there is nobody who can say or do things to upset you, unless you let them....and if you let them....then there is a reason for that....


for me.....the peace and tranquility....that is how I feel......that is my reality...and that is the most beautiful feeling.....

so much searching and seeking.....



peace and love...and taking a break to wonder at it all.

abre los ojos

open your eyes.

this is the time to see....

the stuff around you...the stuff buzzing around you.....the people....the sunshine and the butterflies...the stars....the amazing moon...

appreciate it all...

and all the stuff that you can't see....the stuff you can't touch or hold....the thoughts and feelings and emotions...

the fear that tells you to fear....appreciate it for being there and then just...

let that go.

and ask the question....if I didn't fear...how would this all change?

if I felt full of love....and life....

how would it all change?

and look....and see what is around you.....look at yourself and see that there are no chains that

are dragging you....

the chains that were there to hold you back....

they weren't ever there...


they never were...

and now it is time to see...

they aren't there.


peace...and love...and sight...

ink

and so...

the other day I got some new ink.  a tattoo.  a talisman as I like to think of it.  I may have mentioned this before....with tattoos... you know it is right when it feels like the tattoo image is burning in your skin before you even get it burned into your skin.  There is a feeling of a phantom tattoo.

and then it feels like...

a memory of it being there....and that not having it there...feels like a longing....for it to return.

and then my thoughts drift to this Coldplay song.

Got a tattoo said 'together thru life'
Carved in your name with my pocket knife
And you wonder when you wake up will it be alright
Feels like there's something broken inside

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost
Whenever you go
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Got a tattoo and the pain's alright
Just want a way of keeping you inside

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost
In your fire below
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

and so this tattoo is a reminder of love.  I have three tattoos now.

one on my foot is a turtle....a talisman of a long journey...and perseverance... on my right foot because I felt it burning there....it was where it needed to go.  I do not know why.  Maybe because a journey starts with one step...and I'm right footed?  

the one on my ankle.  XX is an inguz. It speaks to problem solving....and where there is a will, there is a way.  There is always a way.  This directly reflects my personality....I don't let obstacles stop me...
because there is always....a way.  The word ingot - literally means- "seed" and refers to growth, fertility...isn't that the way with seeds?  The miracle of a seed planted and growing...hopes, dreams, plans....sowing seeds and realizing....the beautiful fruition....the process and the progress.   I'm not sure why my right ankle....I know that it was also burning in that spot and I could not ignore it. It felt natural there.  I favor my right foot for things....Kicking a ball, stepping forward....I snowboard goofy.  The tattoo placed itself there.

and now, this one on my wrist.

is a reminder....of love.   Love always wins in the end....there is no question.  To Be Love is to come to what is the very essence of life and creation, and endurance, unconditionality, the stillness, the peace, the expansion.....

all that is.

placing it on my left wrist....another mystery.  I wanted to see it...and for some reason, I guess since I'm using my right hand...my left ends up being in a position where I notice it.  I wanted to notice...and regard it in all those quiet moments.....

tattoos are very personal things.... and sometimes...they seem to have a mind and heart and soul of their own and decide where and when it is best....


sometimes you have to just go with it...

getting a tattoo is a celebration of commitment....you take a deep breath and commit.  It is a liberating feeling to just let go and accept....surrender and move forward....you put aside all of your "on the fence" thoughts....and you GO.


peace and love and commitment....