the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my VISION QUEST....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.   

the re-write...

this is going to feel so fucking good...as part of my awesome view at this spectacular point in my vision question....I have reached a breakthrough in healing myself....

tonight I am going to break up with every single guy that I should have broken up with first..that's right.....

so many boyfriends....that I stuck around for to get better, that never did...and they broke up with me....

so first up.....that boyfriend I had in high school...he was older...and out of high school...

you were a crappy boyfriend.  We had fun..but it was all new to me...so hey, i guess we had fun? but it was always on your terms and when I wanted to do more things that actual people going out would do...you broke up with me...the thing is....I was a great girlfriend...and gave too much when I wasn't getting the same back....I was a fucking terrific fucking girlfriend.....

I should have broken up with you long before you broke up with me....I should have just cut it....and said, "Hey, I can do better than this.....so go fuck yourself."  in fact...that is what I say now....

it would have been a time I went over there, one night he called me to come over....when he wasn't doing stuff with friends...right?  always a convenience..... so...

Hey..so I have to talk to you about something....this relationship kind of sucks ass....(I was 18, I'm using my 18 year old self)  I'm not getting what I need out of it, and I'm pretty sure you are getting way too much of me...I'm not saying this to give you a chance to turn it around...it is just...over.  I deserve better than you could possibly ever give me.  ever.  because...I know you now...like right now in the present and yup. I'm good to just call it.  I'm not going to be missing out of anything.....oh, and the next time you call me to hook up....not in the least bit interested, go fuck yourself and enjoy all the super boring girls you tried to date and then kept coming back to me to hook up with....you couldn't commit but couldn't stay away....let me help you.....fuck off....you are the worst....a little boy who has no clue about real love.  adios....i mean what did I expect?  I dunno....I guess I was searching for....that really great love....and....not seeing it for what it really was....

Next.

and You.   I gave you too much too.  wow.  yes, I recognize the cycle here.  You were the next kind of serious thing after that douche above, but you were much older than he was and I thought that, well....you would have been more mature....I was young...you were a grad student.  I gave too much....you gave too little, but just enough to keep me wowed for a bit...but always wanting more...I felt like I was always on some kind of crumbling ground...and nothing really held anything together...but as an optimist and hopeless romantic...I thought I could make magic happen....where there was barely a spark. You would hang up the phone and simply say in a flat voice, "see ya." I needed more of a fucking caring goodbye than that.  and so.....this is me breaking up with you...your flatness and your illusion of maturity...you say that you were enamored of me...but, wow.  you should have showed it.  so, because you are not capable... and I can see that I did not miss out on anything at all....I am breaking up with you.....you just weren't good to me or for me....and I shouldn't have to do all the feeling in the relationship.  again....what did I expect?  greatness?  I should have recognized it for what it wasn't....

so, yeah.   I'm done....I'm done on one of those boring days when you said to me, "see ya."  and then I say...."yeah, see ya."  and I just stop....I just am not interested in this blandness.  I'm a fire that needs more heat than that.....enjoy grad school.

so that felt good.....really good.   this is my blog, i can do what I want.  HA!  even change reality.

Next.

hmmmm.  Let's see......yes. YOU.  You were better at relationships than the others...you adored me for a while....you noticed me...your artistic eye captured me, photographs....made me blush for the way you gave me your full attention....and then you broke up with me for being like "chocolate", I was a distraction to your goals....I guess....You can't have chocolate every day......ahhhh, youth....always thinking they will always have plenty of chocolate for their whole life......


I should have broken up with you....because you were also very full of yourself....oh!  I should have broken up with you that time you were pulling back because I was moving back home....and that....let's see what did you say....in that tent....you said...."I'm not sure when school starts again....that ...blah blah blah....that maybe I wasn't 'your type'......or something? do you remember that?  shit.  I should have just broken up with you when we got home from the camping trip....nice knowing ya.  fuck.  or that time we were on that other camping trip and you were an ass...and made fun of me for wanting to see a ring tailed cat in the wild....making fun of my innocent curiosity of a fucking denizen of the fucking forest.  we got in such a fight.....I fell asleep in the car and i had a really good dream...when I woke...I saw your face and felt like I was in a nightmare.  Just...so full of yourself.....and smug.  Ok..yup.  done.  I should have broken up with you the second I saw your freaking full of yourself grin.  what did i bring?  love....I brought love....

this is the fucking cycle.....love....and then get fucking broken up with!   Ha!  ok, i'm not bitter,  I'm sure I learned some lessons....but I seriously missed this ONE lesson over and over....

the chance to just stand up and leave.

so i'm taking it now.....

I offered love....and instead of love....I got, neglect, disrespect, emotional abuse, taken for granted and taken advantage of.....

over and over......

the thing is....for so long, I felt so bad...for the lost relationships...that ended...wow....as if I could have done something differently....

all this comes to light because, I have a friend who is going through a divorce.....the thing is....her husband has been a complete ass.....but he's the one who wants the divorce.....but she has been unhappy with him forever.   and i said, CELEBRATE goddmammit.  celebrate your freedom from someone who has neglected you for a long time.  you should have divorced him....in fact....if he didn't divorce you, eventually you would.....but see????  it takes some people a LONG time to just...fucking stop giving so many fucks....

it is all perspective....

and this perspective feels much better.....

I should have had a much quicker trigger.....because I see each of them now and realize....wow.  I always deserved better....

and I hope I can help my daughter recognize the signs.....and have the strength to walk away from a weak and cracked person who won't be able to offer her what she deserves....

that you need to find a whole person....if you find half a person....they don't love themselves and don't know what love is....they will only ever EVER be able to give you half.....HALF.


sometimes when you have so much love to give...people don't know what to do with it...a HALF person can't take it.....

find a person who can take your whole ocean.....I'll help her to learn how you can tell....if they can take your whole ocean....

maybe if you are reading this blog....and it resonates with you....maybe you can look back and be gentle on yourself....and realize....you stayed much longer than you should have....but that you are so loving...so kind....and so that's what happens...you try to overlook the problem....but it is ok to look out for yourself now....

and forgiveness....it is essential to healing?  I think that's what they say....so.....here's my attempt....

I forgive you, (myself) for staying too long...and hurting yourself.  I forgive the people who just weren't enough for me...and again I forgive myself for not recognizing this much earlier.  I have left a mark on them...as they have on me.....different marks....while they probably don't look back and say that I 'hurt them'.....I can't really say the same....different marks...maybe I left them with a lasting mark of what love feels like.....while they left me with the knowledge of what I am not looking for....wow.  like a yin-yang type of thing.....the presence and the absence is what shapes the thing...to be able to identify and feel and see the full shape of it....lights and darks...contrasts....

and so....why would you want to be that person?  that person that neglects the other and doesn't bring yourself?  I guess sometimes it isn't a choice....sometimes that is just what people are able to bring...and that's all they can do...doesn't mean you have to accept it.

and maybe a non-giver, selfish person is reading this....yeah...you...you hurt people by being half a person....and you're hurting yourself....so have the courage to be better and stop blaming others for your emptiness.


peace...and love.....and strength....and bravery

yup....this person....deserves better.

catharsis.   

where the air is thinner and cleaner....

the purpose of this whole blog has been to document a type of journey...a vision quest...hence the name...

and I have reached the top.....the top of this mountain anyway.  It has been a journey of self discovery....seeking the truth about so many things and

over time, I felt I reached "basecamps" where I would regroup, recharge....learn....revisit mistakes....errors in judgement....foot placement as I climb...but...


this....part...I can honestly say feels like....I have made it....I have reconciled so much...I've learned so much...I feel like when I read all the fun self help bits of advice....I've got it...and I have let so much go that I feel as if I'm just the pure embodiment of love and hope and peace...

and now what?  


I think it is time to enjoy the view for a while.....everything makes so much more sense now....

and the way I have evolved over these two years or so has been......

a miracle in itself.

we are all growing constantly... sometimes when you pay attention you can feel yourself grow...

sometimes growth happens so gradually that when you measure where you've come after 2 years....

you can see the progress you've made.

today I sort of had a break through...as if....you know when you are exhausted from a hike or journey and
the last PUSH through...

and you end up at that spot....where you can survey 360 degrees....and

reap the rewards of it all.

do I sound arrogant?  meh.  if that is what your perception is of this...then there might be so much more that is triggering this feeling....and that isn't me...that is something in you that is reflecting....and it's time to take a deep look inside yourself.  I'm ok....and if reading this blog makes you feel something negative....then

you might not be ok.  and if that's the case....then there is nobody who can say or do things to upset you, unless you let them....and if you let them....then there is a reason for that....


for me.....the peace and tranquility....that is how I feel......that is my reality...and that is the most beautiful feeling.....

so much searching and seeking.....



peace and love...and taking a break to wonder at it all.

abre los ojos

open your eyes.

this is the time to see....

the stuff around you...the stuff buzzing around you.....the people....the sunshine and the butterflies...the stars....the amazing moon...

appreciate it all...

and all the stuff that you can't see....the stuff you can't touch or hold....the thoughts and feelings and emotions...

the fear that tells you to fear....appreciate it for being there and then just...

let that go.

and ask the question....if I didn't fear...how would this all change?

if I felt full of love....and life....

how would it all change?

and look....and see what is around you.....look at yourself and see that there are no chains that

are dragging you....

the chains that were there to hold you back....

they weren't ever there...


they never were...

and now it is time to see...

they aren't there.


peace...and love...and sight...

ink

and so...

the other day I got some new ink.  a tattoo.  a talisman as I like to think of it.  I may have mentioned this before....with tattoos... you know it is right when it feels like the tattoo image is burning in your skin before you even get it burned into your skin.  There is a feeling of a phantom tattoo.

and then it feels like...

a memory of it being there....and that not having it there...feels like a longing....for it to return.

and then my thoughts drift to this Coldplay song.

Got a tattoo said 'together thru life'
Carved in your name with my pocket knife
And you wonder when you wake up will it be alright
Feels like there's something broken inside

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost
Whenever you go
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Got a tattoo and the pain's alright
Just want a way of keeping you inside

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost
In your fire below
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

and so this tattoo is a reminder of love.  I have three tattoos now.

one on my foot is a turtle....a talisman of a long journey...and perseverance... on my right foot because I felt it burning there....it was where it needed to go.  I do not know why.  Maybe because a journey starts with one step...and I'm right footed?  

the one on my ankle.  XX is an inguz. It speaks to problem solving....and where there is a will, there is a way.  There is always a way.  This directly reflects my personality....I don't let obstacles stop me...
because there is always....a way.  The word ingot - literally means- "seed" and refers to growth, fertility...isn't that the way with seeds?  The miracle of a seed planted and growing...hopes, dreams, plans....sowing seeds and realizing....the beautiful fruition....the process and the progress.   I'm not sure why my right ankle....I know that it was also burning in that spot and I could not ignore it. It felt natural there.  I favor my right foot for things....Kicking a ball, stepping forward....I snowboard goofy.  The tattoo placed itself there.

and now, this one on my wrist.

is a reminder....of love.   Love always wins in the end....there is no question.  To Be Love is to come to what is the very essence of life and creation, and endurance, unconditionality, the stillness, the peace, the expansion.....

all that is.

placing it on my left wrist....another mystery.  I wanted to see it...and for some reason, I guess since I'm using my right hand...my left ends up being in a position where I notice it.  I wanted to notice...and regard it in all those quiet moments.....

tattoos are very personal things.... and sometimes...they seem to have a mind and heart and soul of their own and decide where and when it is best....


sometimes you have to just go with it...

getting a tattoo is a celebration of commitment....you take a deep breath and commit.  It is a liberating feeling to just let go and accept....surrender and move forward....you put aside all of your "on the fence" thoughts....and you GO.


peace and love and commitment....

serendipity

sometimes you meet someone and you understand the importance of them right away.

a chemical reaction happens...like someone just took a pile of mentos and tossed them in some coke.

and forever you are changed.  

maybe they just changed your day the day you met them and maybe you don't see them for a long time....

but something was stirred up.

I met a French woman today....crazy, deep, introspective, artist.....and she stirred up my shit.

I'm not sure if I'll see her again....my bets are that yes....I will.

some people attract you...like magnets.....

some repel you...like the stench of a skunk.

sometimes you hug people and their scent is all over you for the day...and you can feel their warm embrace long after you have parted just by smelling their warm hug smell all over you.

some people hug you and leave their scent on you....and remembering them causes you to cringe.

this week....I met two woman.....who filled me in places I didn't know needed filling.

and I'm fulfilled.....and amazed and inspired.


what happens when day after day.....routine seems predictable.....and then someone busts through your door and says....Hi....lets make something together.


I was lucky enough for this to happen twice in one week..... with one....I was the one busting open the door....

for the other......I got my door busted.....totally unexpectedly.


on both occasions.....my mind, heart, and soul was warmed.

and that's how you know.....all that you should know.   You touch and feel and take it in like the most beautiful recharge.

and your world grows a bit bigger....and happier....and warmer.


peace and love and serendipity.

infinite possibilities...

you have all the possibilities of all things....you just have to understand that your limitations are greatly self limitations.

I read a quote saying that what you think you can or can't do...or what you think is or isn't possible is not a reflection of your ability, but rather a reflection of your belief of who you are.


beliefs can change.  what you think about yourself should change.

You hold so much more power to change and adapt and you have the ability to be and feel and do so much more than you think you can....or that you believe of yourself.

you are capable of a lot.

take the time to figure out what it is you really want to accomplish or have more of in your life and make that happen.

is it that easy?

yes.

because every positive thought....and every belief that you change about your abilities....shapes your future.

believe.

talk that belief.

think that belief...

do that belief.

your life and reality flows purely from your beliefs.

loving people live in a loving world......positive people live in a positive world.

the opposite of all said here...is absolutely true.

if you feed your love...it grows.  if you feed other things...those things grow too.


if you sit and watch bad news after bad news after bad news.....this impacts you...your thoughts..

everything.


think about what you want your life to be surrounded with....and how good it feels when

love is nourishing it.

because fear is depleting it.....

fill your life with love and start by thinking and believing that

all things are possible.


peace and love and possibilities....

true love...exemplar

let's have a beer.....

the reason I write this is because....maybe it will help someone....out there....sometime....planting a seed for a big sunflower of love and peace at a later time.

recently I read an article someone wrote about what they think 'true love' is...

and most of it rang true to me....most of it....about 99% of it did...and I want to share, because I feel...and think...and feel....that

people live in an illusion about what love is and what love should be...or if they don't live in an illusion of it....they maybe don't have a clear understanding about what it takes to love someone else deeply...


(and I feel that so many people walk around thinking true love is like... Snuffleupagus)

and they go into a relationship...well....let me put it like this....

i guess love is like a muscle....being loving.....maybe it takes practice....like something you want to get really good at....

maybe for some- it is a mission to get better at...and improve...because they have 'giving' tendencies....

.and for some....it might be like....playing mini-golf....maybe you put in some effort once or twice a year...and then you assume you're good at playing mini golf because the last round, you got lucky and did really well...so you think maybe you're pretty naturally great at mini-golf.....or loving for that matter....

and then you don't play mini-golf....for years.....  and turns out you aren't really that great at it....you just remember yourself being good once....and so....without any improvement....you just see yourself as greater than you are...you measure yourself against yourself and think....I'm pretty great at this.....


turns out...maybe you aren't....and you could really improve...but how are you going to improve if you have no motivation for it....because you still think you're really great....

first of all,

love is unconditional....giving.....non-competitive.


true love goes beyond fears...it loves for the sake of love....it knows that love will hurt...but it loves anyway....


it is not transactional.


in order to really....truly love.....and love with a deep connection....first thing is...you have to know yourself, love yourself, do the serious work needed to be in a place where you are free of fears...where you are ready to give....give unconditionally and give up your walls of protection...

when you are ready to do this....your heart will be open to true love....true pure unconditional love.

when you are ready to do this....it means, maybe you realize, you aren't that great at mini-golf and you really could use the practice.  sometimes, people think they're great at something without real proof that they are....and they build themselves up, even knowing deep inside that they could really improve.


when you approach a relationship with fear....with control....from a place of insecurity within yourself....you shut yourself down to true love immediately.  You can't open the door with the wrong key....no matter how hard you try....

not going to work.

You can't water your garden with a hose that will only drip out water.....

you have to be willing to open up the hose....and pour it out....without any expectation of return.

which comes to


the transactional-ness of whatever the heck a lot of people call a loving relationship....

it isn't a loving relationship- hence the "illusion"....just because someone *thinks* they have a loving relationship....or *thinks* they are good at mini-golf....doesn't mean they are...or they do.

transactions.... it is a balance of transactions...and that's about it.....it is....I'll do this for you only if you do this for me.

I will treat you this way....only if you treat me this way....conditional.  a series of rewards and punishments.

I can't even say that this destroys a relationship, because if the relationship was built on this kind of foundation, then it isn't much of a relationship.

they key to love...to true love....is knowing yourself....loving yourself, seeking happiness from within and not holding the other person responsible for your happiness...that means.....if you are having a crappy day, own it and don't take it out on the other person as if your unhappiness was caused by them....

being willing to be vulnerable and open, so that the true nature of intimacy can be attained.


and so....with that... some people are quite comfortable and feel safer loving in a way that maintains walls.

some people are comfortable receiving this amount of love...because they themselves have walls up to protect.

they can only give so much....so they can only take so much too.....


and so for people who do not want to love, the kind of love that guts you and opens you up to another....

they hope to give a limited amount of themselves...and live life and love in their safe zone.


some people.....need to feel more...and express more....because they also have come to terms with what true love requires and are ready to open up completely...

why?

why bother writing this?   why?  because, with so many relationships that have been built on the minimal....you wonder.....

about the original foundations....you wonder about how each person 'loved' the other....did they love with their whole heart?  did they know how?

what if both people just had no idea about what each person expected out of love.  They meet....they "fall in love"  or whatever type of love they are capable of....and they never discuss what each really thinks and feels that love is...  What if continually they aren't on the right page together....because expectations are so different....but in their own minds and sense of reality they assume that they share the same vision.

what if one person was happy with serving their own needs...and the other was interested in giving...and giving....and the other just kept leaving and leaving...and making huge withdrawals and not depositing enough?

they realized they just don't have the same idea of what love should be....but in the beginning they entered blindly thinking they had the same kind of idea....assumptions.


what does true love mean?  True Love doesn't use threats to selfishly get their way....true love isn't about competition and control....love does not use guilt and manipulation...

all of the things you would imagine that true love isn't.....the things that shouldn't happen....is actually very much present in supposedly  "loving" relationships.

which makes me think....and feel, and think.... how many people are walking around in loving relationships that really aren't very loving.

fear and desperation?  recently I've been talking to a friend....about a friend who is looking for love....

her whole outlook is about fear and desperation...and what kind of relationship will she start like this?  She will bring this into the relationship.  that relationship will have a cracked foundation from the start.

true love requires some serious work....individual work.......the kind of work that leaves you exposed....

to reach deeper connections with another person....and feel true love...

you must be ready to

completely gut yourself open. abandon fears....live without expectation of attachment....


expanding.......expanding.........expanding......just for the sake of expanding.....and making yourself grow so big and strong....

that is what will be the foundation to the relationship.  strength and sincerity.  and hopefully the other person is entering the relationship as their whole solid fearless self....

sometimes..... the whole damn place needs to go through a serious This Old House kind of gutting...because there are serious issues with the foundation.  Sometimes it can be fixed...

and sometimes.... people just live with their foundation cracking...and live like that...making the cracks bigger and and bigger....until the foundation cracks cause other issues....like pipes bursting and the whole damn house flooding with sewage....and the whole house gets demolished.....

and then it is a chance to build a better foundation.


but if you aren't ready for this...for starting without cracks

...you will always try to open a door with the wrong key....


it's like physics.  


it's like....baking....


it just is.




peace...love...and true unconditional love.

get real....

so....

there's this.

I just started experimenting with an iPad pro...and making digital art.

when I posted this particular piece, I was met with a question by someone....they were a bit poking fun at me, I think.  I'm guessing.

they posted, "Believe in what?  and How ?" Why?

  or something like that.  I've deleted it...

but I responded with...

"(person's name)  look inside, you have the answer."

my response was met with their lash out..."get real".


I am real.  I'm not sure I could get any realer.....you are real.  He is real.  She is real.  We all are real.

my optimism is real, just as his pessimism is real.  It is all real.

My hope is real.

What if everyone in the world walked around, hopeless and pessimistic.  The whole energy of the masses were sad and depressed...we can see what happens when people spread hate energy.  Say good-bye to humanity.

the world needs people to 'get real' with their hope and optimism.

I hold the space for this, for light....against the dark.

  It is my purpose.  Spread love and hope and messages to believe...I do this through art....I do it through random acts of kindness....

acts of love.


hope not hate.

People who spread fear and hate....do they really know what they do?  to the world?  They satisfy some passing fear in their life...by acting with fear...but

they contribute to despair....is that what they want in the world?  it's like....you want this wonderful world....ok, let's look at it like a block of real estate.

you want to live in a nice neighborhood.  We all do.  But you walk around throwing rocks in all the windows....and wonder why the property value went down.

Same with relationships.  You want a great relationship....but you continue to bring down the property value.

Instead of planting plants....you piss on them.

and when I told them to look inside.  I meant it.  Why are they asking me what? and how?  Simply....believe.   Believe in yourself and believe in love....believe in happiness.  All these things are found inside yourself...the answer is with nobody else.  You start with yourself...and each and every person showing up with this belief.....changes the state of a whole.

I know that person was just trying to draw me out....so they could throw in some crushing blow.  It is clear they have a different mindset.  I deleted the comments they had because, I wasn't the person to verbally tell them what's what....or walk onto their island of pissed-offness.  some things, you just know.  and I'm not the person to reach them.  That wasn't my job....not them...not that day.



so yeah, get real.


I am.  I'm getting real.

the world is full of confusion and fear and hate...how do you want to handle that?

I plan to stand firm in the space I'm holding with love and hope.

it is never to late to bring up the property value...but it requires consistent effort.


peace and love....and getting real.

stressed out...

I have this song on repeat....

well actually it's a cover of a song....Kina Grannis covered the 21 Pilots song, Stressed Out....

and

I am abusing the repeat.

I ate dinner in the bathtub tonight.

have you ever done that?   It is lovely.


what makes you less stressed out?   I make art.

I don't think people around me realize how important it is for me to make art for my own human survival.

as if it is required to breathe.

I don't make art for anything....most of the time.  I have no reason for it...but just to breathe.


Happiness is like that....

you can be happy for absolutely no specific reason.  You can.

plus....I think if you realize this.   You don't have to wait for the stars to align, for things to go your way, someone to be nice to you, someone to make you happy.....

you can be happy for no reason.

and when you realize that nothing is tied to your happiness...


you can be happy most all the time.

for

no

reason.

because your happy isn't tethered to anything.

peace and love and happiness.

language....the touch...the feel.

as a linguist....I'm fascinated by language.   (wink)

or....I'm fascinated by language....and so I pursued linguistics....and research languages..... sometimes, when people don't know what linguistics is...they think that you are listening to them and judging their grammar.

Linguists are descriptivists....not prescriptivists....and so.....we are listening to you speak....and interested in all the ways you speak....your speech 'errors' are fascinating as they contrast against the canonical...

we do not judge....we describe.



language...communication....messages....

can be found in everything. 

the tone of a loved one....conveys what they are trying to say....rising in a wave above the actual words they are saying...

body language, posture....adds to the message....

the words selected...contribute to a deeper meaning....revealing the thoughts and feelings of the speaker....

certain word choices elude to opinions and beliefs....that aren't explicitly presented in the message...

all of these things....

clothing...the painting above, fonts, emojis, CAPS, lowercase......  all communicates messages....

everything linguistic and paralinguistic in nature....

leads to communication...... and speaks to the limbic system.  

It contributes....it aids in giving us the ability to share emotional states.....

it is pretty amazing, the processing that happens when someone speaks to you.  Evaluating the words, the non-verbals, the tone of the voice, voice quality, the word choices, the posture of speaker, pragmatics....the entire interaction being evaluated and processed...as well as preparing a response, concealing and hiding, or being open and intimate, giving more gas or preparing to break....trying to figure out the best way to say something.....adhering to Grice's maxims, or choosing to violate them...

all of these things... happen, almost simultaneously.....and in some instances of conversations between 

closely entangled people, it does happens simultaneously...there is no ping-pong play.....both serve and both receive at the same time.  

messages and communication....we continually navigate the rules of small talk and politeness all day long....

it can be exhausting.  

and me.....I can only speak for me....but.....

I feel words.  I feel messages....as if I put on a blindfold and I have an object in my hand....

some people feel like just like a sea urchin....the way they speak...the way they choose their words...prickly....and you want to put it down...and walk away.   

some people feel like smooth stones...that you turn over and over in your hands....and never get bored just touching and feeling their words.  

some people's words pour over you like a rush of water, cool and refreshing stream....

some people's words are confusing and harsh, like a pile of thumb tacks...constant combination of benign and malign...surprise pokes.  

some people.....are loving....their soul oozes love....the words they choose are love....they project love.....you feel it....it feels good....

and some people are fear....fear based words....fear based messages.....interacting with them feels...like really uncomfortable shoes that always gives you blisters....and you'd rather go barefoot.  

and some people....craft their words...taking the time to represent their soul properly....or maybe they don't necessarily have to take their time....because their honesty is so natural....they speak as they feel they are transparent...there is no fear...no contradicting terms....they are exactly who they are....they are free.  

they feel like feathers blowing in the wind.  they feel like magic....an electrical energy of pure love. 

the language and communication surges from the pure soul pouring out pure love....there is no guessing nor

negotiating layers...of walls and barriers and evaluating contradicting language and action....

all is aligned.  

and it feels like truth.  

peace and love and the power of language....use it for good.  

language....the touch...the feel.

as a linguist....I'm fascinated by language.   (wink)

or....I'm fascinated by language....and so I pursued linguistics....and research languages..... sometimes, when people don't know what linguistics is...they think that you are listening to them and judging their grammar.

Linguists are descriptivists....not prescriptivists....and so.....we are listening to you speak....and interested in all the ways you speak....your speech 'errors' are fascinating as they contrast against the canonical...

we do not judge....we describe.



language...communication....messages....

can be found in everything. 

the tone of a loved one....conveys what they are trying to say....rising in a wave above the actual words they are saying...

body language, posture....adds to the message....

the words selected...contribute to a deeper meaning....revealing the thoughts and feelings of the speaker....

certain word choices elude to opinions and beliefs....that aren't explicitly presented in the message...

all of these things....

clothing...the painting above, fonts, emojis, CAPS, lowercase......  all communicates messages....

everything linguistic and paralinguistic in nature....

leads to communication...... and speaks to the limbic system.  

It contributes....it aids in giving us the ability to share emotional states.....

it is pretty amazing, the processing that happens when someone speaks to you.  Evaluating the words, the non-verbals, the tone of the voice, voice quality, the word choices, the posture of speaker, pragmatics....the entire interaction being evaluated and processed...as well as preparing a response, concealing and hiding, or being open and intimate, giving more gas or preparing to break....trying to figure out the best way to say something.....adhering to Grice's maxims, or choosing to violate them...

all of these things... happen, almost simultaneously.....and in some instances of conversations between 

closely entangled people, it does happens simultaneously...there is no ping-pong play.....both serve and both receive at the same time.  

messages and communication....we continually navigate the rules of small talk and politeness all day long....

it can be exhausting.  

and me.....I can only speak for me....but.....

I feel words.  I feel messages....as if I put on a blindfold and I have an object in my hand....

some people feel like just like a sea urchin....the way they speak...the way they choose their words...prickly....and you want to put it down...and walk away.   

some people feel like smooth stones...that you turn over and over in your hands....and never get bored just touching and feeling their words.  

some people's words pour over you like a rush of water, cool and refreshing stream....

some people's words are confusing and harsh, like a pile of thumb tacks...constant combination of benign and malign...surprise pokes.  

some people.....are loving....their soul oozes love....the words they choose are love....they project love.....you feel it....it feels good....

and some people are fear....fear based words....fear based messages.....interacting with them feels...like really uncomfortable shoes that always gives you blisters....and you'd rather go barefoot.  

and some people....craft their words...taking the time to represent their soul properly....or maybe they don't necessarily have to take their time....because their honesty is so natural....they speak as they feel they are transparent...there is no fear...no contradicting terms....they are exactly who they are....they are free.  

they feel like feathers blowing in the wind.  they feel like magic....an electrical energy of pure love. 

the language and communication surges from the pure soul pouring out pure love....there is no guessing nor

negotiating layers...of walls and barriers and evaluating contradicting language and action....

all is aligned.  

and it feels like truth.  

peace and love and the power of language....use it for good.  

summer solstice...

Happy Summer!

I feel like all I want to do today is

chew a big wad of big league chew (grape) and watch Ghostbusters....and then the Goonies and maybe even One Crazy Summer and stay all cool in the AC.



This summer is much better than last summer....and July 4th will be my first time back in the States for fireworks since I was in California in 2007.

and I'm crossing my fingers on some things that I hope develop soon.



peace and love...and summer.

apple tree....

blog after blog conceived from driving in the car...to and from....life. so many blogs...so many thoughts to harvest....

as a reminder.... 

it's my blog...I can say what I need to here.  free.  

at some point you may wake up and go......how did I get here?  

In this pet store....hesitating to buy dog food because you aren't sure if you'll make the 'right' decision....or worry about having to justify your decision to a human who is supposed to love you....not condemn you for trivial choices and decisions and preferences.

and that hurts.  it hurts your soul.  it hurts your reality.    it's a Mary J. Blige song kind of hurt.  

it is life...walking on eggshells... not triumphantly.....but delicately....always hesitating. 

at some point you wake up.....in a pet store....and 

say to yourself....

huh.  

now what?  

self respect....

and saying....

enough.  

enough by years.  

I'm having a party at base camp...

and i'm releasing the fear of buying the wrong dog food the micro for the macro.  

and this is the time to say to myself.  I love you...and I see you.  

and that is enough.

and that is why.....these blogs are about love.....peace and love.  so much love.  like a grenade of love.

love for yourself....

I'm all about the love.....and if this blog helped you realize something....

if you are stuck in a pet store wondering why you can't decide on dog food. I hope this reached you and helped you...

reach out to yourself. 

in the words of Erykah Badu, 

I work at pleasin' me cause I can't please you
And that's why I do what I do....

peace and love and healing.   

be love...

if you can reduce emotion to just two emotions....

love and fear.


be love.


fear is constricting.... love is expanding.


it is just feeling love...the feeling of love...the acting with love...the speaking with love....


it is self love...and self respect.   it is keeping yourself high and light....and releasing energy that pulls you down....weighs you down.


you get....what you give energy to.   If you give off negative energy...you speak negatively...you engaged in the world and people around you negatively.....


this is what you live with...day in....day out.   24/7 365.    You reinforce those neural pathways...you do physical harm to your body, mind, spirit....soul.  all of it.


love instead.   Be loving to yourself.  Lift yourself up.  Lift another person up.

be love.


when you are love....people can breathe easier around you.  your air is beautiful.  people want to be there.  to feel that love....

think about a room full of love...with people who are all about love for themselves and love for others.

love expands.


when you are fear....there is an emptiness....a cloud....it hurts others to feel your fear. it is hard to breathe here.

fear constricts.


be love.  feel love.  smile love....drink love.  pause and feel love.  because it flows like energy....


it is energy.



the best energy.....that you could have flowing through you.


think of....the thing that makes you feel giddy and happy and light.  If you start developing the pathway...and learn that feeling of love and light....then....pretty soon, you won't even need the visual input.  You just can access the feeling of love....bam.  just like that and ride that wave.


it's like this.....as a kid....when you played keep off the floor.  pretending the floor was hot lava or something that could really hurt you.....you stayed on the tops of all the furniture....

spend a day like that.....keep off the floor....and away from fear......stay up....and safe...in the love zone.


cheesy?  yeah...but.....  that's the feeling to tap into....

light as a feather on love.....does wonderful things to your whole being...



getting consumed by lava......not so much.

peace....and love.

base camp....

I'm on a vision quest....and about every year.....i feel like i reach a base camp.

and then I get prepared for the next leg.

when I got to this base camp...I realized that....i've been severely handicapped.  I opened up my backpack of supplies and tools and found....

a mess of tools that won't do me so well for what I've been trying to do and what I need to do coming up.

plus my supplies ran dangerously low last trek.  starving and in need of supplies.

and this just won't do.

and if you just stumbled upon my blog for the first time... yes.  I'm all about the analogy.

I have a PhD in Linguistics...and I'm all about the search for patterns and connecting them to something bigger....

and so the analogy.....is kind of....my natural route.

the next few blogs will be....hopefully...working through some of the things I'm going to need....before I set off again.

so here we go.....


sometimes a tool you used.....just doesn't cut it anymore.  The tool is either dull....or your path changed and you just can't get by anymore with it.

and sometimes when the path changes, and you don't recognize that it did...and you keep using that same damn tool....thinking it will work in all situations...it just doesn't.

like when you switch from driving a manual to an automatic...and you keep going for the clutch.

sometimes you normalize things and get by with the minimum when your journey actually requires a full set of tools and

when you start realizing the tools you are missing and then actually start using those tools....


voila.  you can make way better progress.  


some people just sit on a rock and think,  gee....I wish I could figure out what I need.

that happens too.   sometimes you don't even know WHAT you need until someone comes along and points out...


hey....you don't have a pick axe?   HOW COULD YOU BE ON THIS JOURNEY WITHOUT ONE???  and HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT ONE?


oh man, I know......

once someone puts a pick axe in your hand and you get to use it for the first time.

damn. that is magical .


we all have to learn from each other.....and some people have a much better handle on assessing the journey....what is needed...what will be needed.....what you can do without.

and sometimes you just have to figure those parts on your own.

but when someone hands you a pick axe and says...here.....use this.


I suggest you use it and be thankful.....because that one tool could really save your ass one day.


and this might all make sense to you.....or you might read it and go...what in the fuck?  but....

if it makes sense to you...go ahead and share it...and if you have a pick axe to share....make sure you do so.


Today.....I was at the vet.  I noticed a woman come in and walk up to the counter.  her dress was unzipped in the back...like the last 6 inches.  

now....you can ignore this.....and let her figure it out on her own...


or ......you can do what I did.....and...

I walked up to her....and told her, quietly.. "your dress is lovely....let me zip it up for you."   I brushed her hair out of the way and zipped it.

and she was so grateful.  her husband was supposed to and forgot....and she was headed to the grocery store next.



peace and love....and making perfect use of the tools you have and acquiring the tools you need.....

because the path changes.

and so should your tools.