the reason I write this is because....maybe it will help someone....out there....sometime....planting a seed for a big sunflower of love and peace at a later time.
recently I read an article someone wrote about what they think 'true love' is...
and most of it rang true to me....most of it....about 99% of it did...and I want to share, because I feel...and think...and feel....that
people live in an illusion about what love is and what love should be...or if they don't live in an illusion of it....they maybe don't have a clear understanding about what it takes to love someone else deeply...
(and I feel that so many people walk around thinking true love is like... Snuffleupagus)
and they go into a relationship...well....let me put it like this....
i guess love is like a muscle....being loving.....maybe it takes practice....like something you want to get really good at....
maybe for some- it is a mission to get better at...and improve...because they have 'giving' tendencies....
.and for some....it might be like....playing mini-golf....maybe you put in some effort once or twice a year...and then you assume you're good at playing mini golf because the last round, you got lucky and did really well...so you think maybe you're pretty naturally great at mini-golf.....or loving for that matter....
and then you don't play mini-golf....for years..... and turns out you aren't really that great at it....you just remember yourself being good once....and so....without any improvement....you just see yourself as greater than you are...you measure yourself against yourself and think....I'm pretty great at this.....
turns out...maybe you aren't....and you could really improve...but how are you going to improve if you have no motivation for it....because you still think you're really great....
first of all,
love is unconditional....giving.....non-competitive.
true love goes beyond fears...it loves for the sake of love....it knows that love will hurt...but it loves anyway....
it is not transactional.
in order to really....truly love.....and love with a deep connection....first thing is...you have to know yourself, love yourself, do the serious work needed to be in a place where you are free of fears...where you are ready to give....give unconditionally and give up your walls of protection...
when you are ready to do this....your heart will be open to true love....true pure unconditional love.
when you are ready to do this....it means, maybe you realize, you aren't that great at mini-golf and you really could use the practice. sometimes, people think they're great at something without real proof that they are....and they build themselves up, even knowing deep inside that they could really improve.
when you approach a relationship with fear....with control....from a place of insecurity within yourself....you shut yourself down to true love immediately. You can't open the door with the wrong key....no matter how hard you try....
not going to work.
You can't water your garden with a hose that will only drip out water.....
you have to be willing to open up the hose....and pour it out....without any expectation of return.
which comes to
the transactional-ness of whatever the heck a lot of people call a loving relationship....
it isn't a loving relationship- hence the "illusion"....just because someone *thinks* they have a loving relationship....or *thinks* they are good at mini-golf....doesn't mean they are...or they do.
transactions.... it is a balance of transactions...and that's about it.....it is....I'll do this for you only if you do this for me.
I will treat you this way....only if you treat me this way....conditional. a series of rewards and punishments.
I can't even say that this destroys a relationship, because if the relationship was built on this kind of foundation, then it isn't much of a relationship.
they key to love...to true love....is knowing yourself....loving yourself, seeking happiness from within and not holding the other person responsible for your happiness...that means.....if you are having a crappy day, own it and don't take it out on the other person as if your unhappiness was caused by them....
being willing to be vulnerable and open, so that the true nature of intimacy can be attained.
and so....with that... some people are quite comfortable and feel safer loving in a way that maintains walls.
some people are comfortable receiving this amount of love...because they themselves have walls up to protect.
they can only give so much....so they can only take so much too.....
and so for people who do not want to love, the kind of love that guts you and opens you up to another....
they hope to give a limited amount of themselves...and live life and love in their safe zone.
some people.....need to feel more...and express more....because they also have come to terms with what true love requires and are ready to open up completely...
why?
why bother writing this? why? because, with so many relationships that have been built on the minimal....you wonder.....
about the original foundations....you wonder about how each person 'loved' the other....did they love with their whole heart? did they know how?
what if both people just had no idea about what each person expected out of love. They meet....they "fall in love" or whatever type of love they are capable of....and they never discuss what each really thinks and feels that love is... What if continually they aren't on the right page together....because expectations are so different....but in their own minds and sense of reality they assume that they share the same vision.
what if one person was happy with serving their own needs...and the other was interested in giving...and giving....and the other just kept leaving and leaving...and making huge withdrawals and not depositing enough?
they realized they just don't have the same idea of what love should be....but in the beginning they entered blindly thinking they had the same kind of idea....assumptions.
what does true love mean? True Love doesn't use threats to selfishly get their way....true love isn't about competition and control....love does not use guilt and manipulation...
all of the things you would imagine that true love isn't.....the things that shouldn't happen....is actually very much present in supposedly "loving" relationships.
which makes me think....and feel, and think.... how many people are walking around in loving relationships that really aren't very loving.
fear and desperation? recently I've been talking to a friend....about a friend who is looking for love....
her whole outlook is about fear and desperation...and what kind of relationship will she start like this? She will bring this into the relationship. that relationship will have a cracked foundation from the start.
true love requires some serious work....individual work.......the kind of work that leaves you exposed....
to reach deeper connections with another person....and feel true love...
you must be ready to
completely gut yourself open. abandon fears....live without expectation of attachment....
expanding.......expanding.........expanding......just for the sake of expanding.....and making yourself grow so big and strong....
that is what will be the foundation to the relationship. strength and sincerity. and hopefully the other person is entering the relationship as their whole solid fearless self....
sometimes..... the whole damn place needs to go through a serious This Old House kind of gutting...because there are serious issues with the foundation. Sometimes it can be fixed...
and sometimes.... people just live with their foundation cracking...and live like that...making the cracks bigger and and bigger....until the foundation cracks cause other issues....like pipes bursting and the whole damn house flooding with sewage....and the whole house gets demolished.....
and then it is a chance to build a better foundation.
but if you aren't ready for this...for starting without cracks
...you will always try to open a door with the wrong key....
it's like physics.
it's like....baking....
it just is.
peace...love...and true unconditional love.
