St. Jude.

because.  <3  prayers and intentions are powerful.  

<3 

St. Jude's Novena

"May the Sacred Heart of Jesus
be Adored, Glorified, Loved & Preserved
through-out the world, now & forever.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Worker of miracles, pray for us.
Saint Jude, Helper of the Hopeless, pray for us." 
Say the prayer 8 times a day for 9 days.
It has never been known to fail.
Publication must be promised.

eyes...the windows.

Looking at a person's eyes....and their face....the tension in their smile....maybe the hint of mist in their gaze.

What I have noticed of myself....as I have transformed over the years is that...stress and lack of love and connection....and general lack of self love and inner peace....can be seen all over my face.  I know that some will read this particular blog and maybe make the connection- not being aware of all I have been through...and some who know my story will see the impact of this story in my eyes...

it is hard to see it now...years later...but it is a curious thing....what a relationship will do to you.  Shouldn't love be kind and supportive?  If it isn't....then it isn't love.  But too many times, we don't realize it isn't love....for too long.

a few years ago....I started to do more introspection and a seed started to grow in me... and that seed grew into....love....but in the beginning....even though I was starting to feel differently....my daily life can be seen...all over my face.

The reason I even went back...out of curiosity....is because I saw some powerful before and after pictures of people who had been in toxic relationships.  It is remarkable to see them...and I was curious about my own face and what it would tell.

2013....barely documented....but pictures of me...look empty....

2014,
Fear...sad.

Like a frightened....cornered animal.  It's hard to even look.  It's like the most....distrust...suspicious look.

2015....growing in my own security...and able to trust and love again, painting more and being a happier and fulfilled person...

Still...a bit loneliness....and unsure....

and then there was 2016....when I was feeling more and more like myself, more relaxed...the fear has gone...the tension is leaving... some big things happening in my life.

and then...2017...embodying love 

...and determination....and power.  

and then there is 2018.

Clear.....filled with love....and adventure.  Relaxed. Happy.

Here I am..... I came back.  

Peace...and Love.....and realizing....

You've been gone....way too long.  This is a motherfucker free zone. 

love is everything.

so many people. So many lives.  so many relationships. so hard to watch when relationships dissolve and the people just keep hanging on to it...because they don't know where to go.  It's like....

there is a video clip I saw of a toddler screaming and crying- in a panic, clutching on to a parent because he's in the water...thinking it's deep and he can't swim.

and they tell him....he can stand...

and he does.

You can stand.  You just don't even realize it.  You're too busy in a panic and crying about doomsday.

I think that's why people have a hard time with optimism.  Well.  for many reasons...Optimism is...it seems like it's out of control.  If you think about the worst thing...you get to use your energy on thinking and over thinking about what will happen, could happen.  that gives your brain a big thing to do.  What if you switched gears to optimism...after a life of worst case scenario thinking?  what the fuck does that do to you?  It's like- believing in unicorns!   It must be....it must be like....thinking elves are real (they are, they steal my keys all the time).
But seriously...

Switch gears...and what does your mind do with optimism?  It has to believe....believe in What???  something that you can't even see yet???!!!  that's just crazy. why would someone do that?

Because....how can you believe or entertain worst case scenarios that aren't even real?  chances are they won't even happen?  Aren't you doing the exact same thing?  Only- the thing is- ....fear motivates the pessimist.

ahhhhh!  But to believe in something...you want to happen...that you would love to happen....the thing that would make you happy....
how is that crazy?   Chances are....if you believe it to happen....it has a much better chance at happening.

Chances are....that....if you think you can't.... you just didn't.  It all boils down to love.

If you love....and see the promise in it...and the opportunities in it....you are helping make that happen.

if you fear...and worry....you just made that more and more concrete....you created all your constricting story lines.  Go home...you miserable miserable sad person. Ha! I'm kidding...but seriously....don't do that!  Don't Fear....do not worry.

What does that have to do with relationships and love?

Everything.  Some relationships are just doomed because both people over time...kill them.  Then they hold on to them for the same reasons they killed them....fear.

Love is expansion....love is potential...love is optimism.  Love is believing...

But it is hard....it is hard to start believing in good things.  You have to retrain your brain that you....can actually stand up...and that you aren't going to drown.  Once you get a few under your belt...it gets easier.

Once you see what a powerful....beautiful....optimistic creator....you are.....you actually can.

Sometimes I forget, after seeing so many unicorns walking around...that other people can't see them...or believe in them....

life is magical....make it so.

love is everything.